Humpty Dumpty (series 2)

Dr. Cameron: He's not clotting properly; it looks like a mild case of DIC.

House: Well obviously not that mild. If this keeps up his hand is literally dead meat. His hand is connected to his arm; his arm is connected to... I'm not sure, but I bet it's important.

The Mistake (series 2)

Stacy: If Chase screwed up so bad then why didn't you fire him?

House: He has great hair.

Deception (series 2)

Dr. Cameron: Scan showed a mass in her pancreas.

Dr. Chase: Looks malign. Probably inoperable. I'd give her two months.

House: On the bright side, it still means I was right.

Failure to Communicate (series 2)

House: Did the MRI show anything?

Dr. Foreman: CT scan was negative.

House: CT? That's like short for MRI, right?

Skin Deep (series 2)

Dr. Cameron: Could we talk about her health instead of her breasts?

House: Could be relevant. Come on Cameron, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Many women develop breasts.

Sex Kills (series 2)

House: When guys have brain-crotch problems it's usually the result of using one too much and the other too little.

Across whole show

House: [knocking on Dr. Wilson's door] I know you're in there. I can hear you caring.

Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.

House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

Dr. Foreman: You really want to screw Whitey? Be one of the few black men to live long enough to collect social security. Take the medicine.

Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

House: Just not as honest about it.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?

House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.

House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.

House: What do you mean? You just said...?

Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

Pilot (series 1)

House: [to Cameron] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

All of series 1 (series 1)

Dr. Foreman: Oh, Cameron, I need you for a couple of hours.

Dr. Cameron: What's up?

Dr. Foreman: When you break into a house, its always better to have a white chick with you.

Occam's Razor (series 1)

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.

House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

Damned If You Do (series 1)

House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

Fidelity (aka: Truth or Consequences) (series 1)

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?

Samantha: Lying?

House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?

Samantha: My husband?

House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?

House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?

Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.

House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

Poison (series 1)

House: I assume "minimal at best" is your stiff upper lip British way of saying "no chance in hell"?

Dr. Chase: I'm Australian.

House: You put the Queen on your money. You're British.