Petarded (series 4)

Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad!

Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, you idiot.

Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!

Across whole show

[Peter learns Joe is in a wheelchair.]

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple.

Lois: Okay, one more minute, and then if there are two pink lines...

Peter: Oh god, I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewey, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley...

Brian: Peter those aren't your kids, that's the Nick-at-Night lineup.

Peter: Blanka, Zangeif, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda...

Brian: That's Street Fighter.

Peter: Red, blue, green...

Brian: Those are colors.

Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard.

Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk?

Peter: I drift in and out.

Fat Guy Strangler (series 4)

Lois: So doctor, is Peter healthy?

Doctor: My goodness, you'll be dead within a month.

Peter: What?

Doctor: [revealing comic he was reading] Oh, Hagar the Horrible, if you keep up that lifestyle of pillaging and eating giant turkey legs, you'll be dead within a month. Now, onto you.

Peter: So, what do you think? Pretty healthy, eh?

Doctor: Well, Mr. Griffin, let's take a look at your physical results. Argh! There's a spider in here. Now, here we go. Mr Griffin, you're going to expire in a month.

Peter/Lois: Argh!

Doctor: This is your driver's licence, isn't it? Now, unfortunately, I'm afraid you're going to die...

Peter: Argh!

Doctor: ...when you watch these Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts.

Lois: Will you just tell us how Peter's health is?!

Doctor: Ah, Mr. Griffin, I'm not quite sure how to say this. Kim Bassinger? Bass singer? Bassinger? But now, onto the cancer.

Lois: Oh my goodness!

Doctor: You are a Cancer, right? You were born in July? Now onto these test results. My, they're much worse than I thought.

Peter/Lois: Oh!

Doctor: My son got a D minus on his history test. Now Mr Griffin, that liver's got to come out.

Lois: What?!

Doctor: It's been in the microwave for three minutes, it'll get dry. Now...

Lois: Please, please, we can't take any more schtick.. Please just tell us, is Peter healthy?

Doctor: Oh, yeah, he's fine, he's just really fat.

Across whole show

Meg Griffin: I just want to kill myself. I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.

[Lois and Peter stare in silence.]

Meg Griffin: I'm allergic to peanuts.

[Peter and Lois keep staring.]

Meg Griffin: You don't know anything about me! [Runs upstairs]

Peter Griffin: Who was that guy?

The Story on Page 1 (series 2)

Peter Griffin: You know that whole Vietnam thing? Never happened.

Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, but don't mention it around the Veterans Hospital. Those guys are really committed to the lie.

Across whole show

Stewie: Lois! I've got a gift for you. I'll give you a hint - it's in my pants and it's not a toaster.

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein (series 3)

Peter Griffin: You better watch who you're calling a child Lois. Because if I'm a child then you know what that makes you? A paedophile, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna stand here and be lectured by a pervert.

Running Mates (series 2)

Peter: Brian, I am just as non-competitive as anyone else. As a matter of fact I'm the most non-competitive, so I win.

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Peter: Y'know I feel kinda bad you guys, I promised my wife I wouldn't drink tonight.

Quagmire: Aw, Don't feel bad, Peter.

Peter: Huh. Gee, I never thought of it like that.

I Never Met the Dead Man (series 1)

[Stewie plays with his Sesame Street phone.]

Ernie's voice: Do you know what sound a cow makes?

Stewie: Don't toy with me Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr.Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest and as for Linda, well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin aproach, now isn't it?

Brian: Portrait of a Dog (series 1)

Lois: I'm a little worried about Stewie.

Peter: Lois, can we stop talking about curtains for just a second?

Across whole show

Lois: Peter, you're acting like a child!

Peter: Lois, if I'm a child, you know what that makes you? - a paedophile. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna be lectured by a pervert!

Wasted Talent (series 2)

Lois: Peter, you're drunk again!

Peter: No, I'm just exhausted because I've been up all night drinking.

Across whole show

Meg: Mom, Dad, am I ugly?

Lois: Of course not, sweetie.

Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?

Meg: Craig Hoffman.

Peter: Craig...Craig Hoffman? Hmmm, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.

The Kiss Seen Around the World (series 3)

Tom Tucker: Children washing cars, is there anything more arousing?

Across whole show

Peter Griffin: Your Honor, I call to the stand my surprise witness: The Ghost That Never Lies.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOOH!

Peter Griffin: But only I can see him and hear him, so I'll tell you what he's doing and saying.

Child Welfare Agent: Objection, Your Honor! This is ridiculous!

Judge: Objection overruled. I'll allow it. You had better be going somewhere with this, Mr. Griffin.

Peter Griffin: Thank you, Your Honor. Ghost That Never Lies, did you witness the events that took place on that fateful day? You did. Well, how interesting. And do you see the culprit or culprits in this courtroom today? You do. Well, would you kindly point him or them out for this court? Don't point at me, you jackass!

Waiter: Your coffee, madam.

Lois: I'll pour it. You know, my family really isn't comfortable with being waited on like this.

Stewie: Cut my eggs!

Waiter: Your eggs are now cut, sir.

Stewie: Cut my milk!

Waiter: I can't cut your milk, sir.

Stewie: You will cut my milk! If my milk is still in one piece I shall kill you!

Death Has a Shadow (series 1)

Brian: Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you've still got your pants on. What's the occasion?