Blackadder quotes

Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!

George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?

Lord Flashheart: No! Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!

Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.

Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?

Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.

George: What was that sir?

Blackadder: It was bollocks.

George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?

Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

George: You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you cap?

Blackadder: Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder]

Blackadder: Right, you ready?

George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool

Blackadder: I'm sorry?

George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there

Blackadder: You mean... you want me... tackle out?

George: Well, I'd have thought so yes

Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...

George: It's artistic licence sir... it's the willing suspension of disbelief

Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire building.

Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]

Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!

Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?

Prince George: What?

Blackadder: The words?

House, M.D. quotes

Dr. Cuddy: All this from falling off my roof.

House: Yeah, if only he'd fallen on his head. Then he wouldn't have any of these symptoms.

Dr. Foreman: You figure that anybody that gives a crap about people in Africa must be full of it?

House: Yes. There's an evolutionary imperative why we give a crap about our family and friends. And there's an evolutionary imperative why we don't give a crap about anybody else. If we loved all people indiscriminately, we couldn't function.

Dr. Foreman: Hmmm. So, the great humanitarian's as selfish as the rest of us.

House: Just not as honest about it.

Dr. Wilson: If you have the money then why did you need the loan?

House: I didn't. I just wanted to see if you'd give it to me. I've been borrowing increasing amounts ever since you lent me $40 a year ago. Ummm, a little experiment to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: You're...you're trying to objectively measure how much I value our friendship.

House: It's five grand – you got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dr. Wilson: Now, be a grown-up and either tell Mommy and Daddy you don't want to see them, or I'm picking you up at seven for dinner.

House: What do you mean? You just said...?

Dr. Wilson: I lied. I've been lying to you in increasing amounts ever since I told you you looked good unshaved a year ago. It's a little experiment, you know, to see where you'd draw the line.

Dr. Wilson: Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food?

House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks.

House: [to Cameron] I hired you because you look good. It's like having a nice piece of art in the lobby.

House: Hello, sick people and their loved ones! In the interests of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Greg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Dr. Cuddy: Short, sweet, grab a file.

House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital, so unfortunately she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a board-certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who's forced to be here against his will. That is true, isn't it? But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying you may see me reach for this. It's Vicodin - it's mine, you can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain-management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows - maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [Everyone stares.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two guys? [Everyone raises their hands.] Well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

House: You know how it is with nuns - take out their IUDs and they bounce right back.

House: As long as you're trying to be good, you can do whatever you want.

Dr. Wilson: And as long as you're not trying, you can say whatever you want.

House: So between us, we can do whatever we want. We can rule the world!

House: You told me you hadn't changed your diet or exercise. Were you lying?

Samantha: Lying?

House: Does your husband have high blood pressure?

Samantha: My husband?

House: Yeah, see, if you're going to repeat everything I say, this conversation's going to take twice as long.

Dr. Foreman: Why are you riding on me?

House: It's what I do. Has it gotten worse lately?

Dr. Foreman: Yeah. Seems to me.

House: Really? Well, that rules out the race thing. You were just as black last week.

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