Vanessa Loring: How do I look?

Bren MacGuff: Like a new mom. Scared shitless.

Juno MacGuff: We don't even have a dog.

Bren MacGuff: Well that's because you're allergic to their saliva. I've made a lot of sacrifices for you, Juno, and in a few years, when you move out, I'm getting weimaraners.

Juno MacGuff: Woah, dream big.

Mac MacGuff: You don't even remember to give Liberty Bell her meds!

Juno MacGuff: That was one time, Dad! And she didn't die!

Juno MacGuff: Yeah I came as soon as I got that ultrasound goo off my pelvis. It was crazy actually, my step-mom verbally abused the ultrasound tech and we got escorted off the premises.

Mac MacGuff: Whats that thing?

Vanessa Loring: It's a pilates machine.

Mac MacGuff: What do you make with it?

Vanessa Loring: Oh you don't make anything with it, its for exercise.

Vanessa Loring: So... How are we going to do this?

Juno MacGuff: Uh, aren't I just gonna, ya know, squeeze it out and, hand it over to you?

Gerta Rauss: Mark and Vanessa are willing to negotiate an open adoption...

Mac MacGuff: What do you mean?

Juno MacGuff: Wait... No! I mean, can't we just, like, kick this old school? Like, I have the baby, put it in a basket and send it your way, like, Moses and the reeds?

Mark Loring: Technically, that would be kicking it Old Testament.

Gerta Rauss: ...So, we all agree that a closed adoption is the best decision for all involved?

Juno MacGuff: SSHHIT! YES! Close it up!

Juno MacGuff: ...And the receptionist tried to give me these weird condoms that looked like grape suckers, and she told me about her boyfriend's pie balls and Su-Chin was there and she told me the baby had fingernails. Fingernails!

Leah: Oh, gruesome. I wonder if the baby's claws could scratch your vag on the way out?

Leah: Yo Yo Yiggady Yo.

Juno MacGuff: I'm pregnant.

Leah: What? Honest to blog? Are you sure it's not a food baby? Did you eat a big lunch?

Juno MacGuff: This is not a food baby all right? I've taken like three pregnancy tests, and I'm forshizz up the spout.

Leah: How did you even generate enough pee for three pregnancy tests?

Juno MacGuff: T don't know, I drank like, ten gallons of Sunny D... I'm telling you I'm pregnant and you're acting shockingly caviler.

Leah: Is this for real?

Juno MacGuff: Unfortunately, yes.

Leah: Oh my GOD. Shit! Phuket, Thailand!

Juno MacGuff: Wow your shorts are like especially gold today.

Paulie Bleeker: My mom uses color safe bleach.

Juno MacGuff: Go Carol.

Juno MacGuff: I could so go for like a huge cookie right now, with like, a lamb kabob simultaneously.

Juno MacGuff: Oh, and she inexplicably mails me a cactus every Valentine's Day. And I'm like, "Thanks a heap coyote ugly. This cactus-gram stings even worse than your abandonment."

Mac MacGuff: Thanks for having me and my irresponsible child over your house.

Mac MacGuff: Next time I see that Bleeker kid I'm going to punch him in the wiener.

Vanessa Loring: You think you're really going to do this?

Juno MacGuff: Yea, if I could just have the thing and give it to you now, I totally would. But I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter.

Vanessa Loring: That's great.

Mark Loring: Keep it in the oven.

Juno MacGuff: Yeah, I'm a legend. You know, they call me the cautionary whale.

Punk Receptionist: Would you like a free condom? They're boysenberry.

Juno MacGuff: No, thanks. I'm off sex right now.

Punk Receptionist: My boyfriend wears them every time we have intercourse, it makes his junk smell like pie.

Rollo: You better pay for that pee-stick when you're done with it. Don't think it's yours just because you marked it with your urine!

Rollo: That ain't no etch-a-sketch. This is one doodle that can't be un-did, homeskillet.

Juno MacGuff: I think I'm, like, in love with you.

Paulie Bleeker: You mean as friends?

Juno MacGuff: No, I mean, like, for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I've ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know...

Paulie Bleeker: I try really hard, actually.

Mac MacGuff: Did you see that coming?

Bren MacGuff: Yeah... but I was hoping she was expelled, or into hard drugs.

Mac MacGuff: Or DWI... anything but this.