Becca: Your cock is so smooth!

Evan: Yours would be too... if you were a man.

Seth: You know how many foods are shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

Seth: He is the sweetest guy. Have you ever looked into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Evan: Fogell, I don't understand why you we're smoking cigarettes with those cops.

Fogell: Because I fuckin' rule?

Officer Michaels: How old are you McLovin?

Fogell: Old enough.

Officer Michaels: Old enough for what?

Fogell: To party.

Officer Michaels: McLovin?

Fogell: Yeah.

Officer Michaels: Great name.

Officer Slater: It is, it just rolls off the tongue.

Officer Michaels: 'Sounds like a sexy hamburger!

Liquor Store Clerk: [talking about the spilled pile or beer cans] Sir, did you drop these?

Fogell: Uh, uh, no. No I didn't. You should clean these up, someone could seriously get hurt.

[walks away]

Liquor Store Clerk: [looks down] Fuck my life.

Becca: [drunkenly making out with Evan] I *so* flirt with you in math.

Evan: Tell me about it. I - same-sies.

Officer Michaels: Prepare to be fucked by the long dick of the law!

Seth: By some divine miracle we were paired together and she thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide I was the guy she wanted to be responsible for the entire funness of her party! She wants to fuck me! She wants my dick in and around her mouth!

Becca: I am gonna give you the best blow J. With my mouth.

Jules: You scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours.

Seth: Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that it's located on my cock.

Seth: I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher: I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth: I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan: [His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, I'm getting impatient up here.

Seth: I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke - no offense - it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit - and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food - no offense - and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a fuckin' break! I'm sorry for cursing.

Teacher: All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth: Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot - give home-ec another shot.

Seth: You don't want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy.

Seth: [imitating Becca] Oh Evan, thank you for bringing that lube for my pussy. I never would've been able to handle your four inch dick inside my pussy without that gigantic bottle of lube.

Officer Michaels: I'm assuming you all have guns and crack!

Evan: You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be anything, it could be a bowling site.

Seth: Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going in which is a huge concern.

Evan: Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth: Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan: No.

Seth: [shakes his head] Not for me.

Fogell: Oh oh, I forgot to tell you: my mom said we could have the TV from the basement...

Evan: Shut the fuck up, man. He's gonna hear you. Just be quiet; wait until he goes away.

Fogell: You still haven't told him that we're rooming together?

Evan: Fogell... shut the fuck up. And take off that vest. You look like Aladdin.

Officer Michaels: You just cock-blocked McLovin!

Officer Slater: Ethnically, was he like uh... uh... African?

Mindy: Was he African? No, he was like you.

Officer Michaels: He's Jewish... so we have an African Jew wearing a hoodie.