Judy Witwicky: [To Sam] Oh, for Pete's sake! You are so defensive! Were you masturbating?

Sam Witwicky: No!

Judy Witwicky: Well, we don't have to call it that word, if it makes you uncomfortable. We could call it..Sam's Happy Time.

Sam Witwicky: I bought a car, and it turned out to be an alien robot. Who knew?

Ron Witwicky: I got a little surprise for you son.

[Drives by a Porsche dealership.]

Sam Witwicky: No, no no, no no! You got to be kidding me!

Ron Witwicky: Yeah, I am. You're not getting a Porsche.

Jazz: What's crackin' little bitches? This looks like a cool place to kick it!

Sam Witwicky: How did he learn to talk like that?

Optimus Prime: We've learned Earth's languages through the world-wide web.

Trent: Didn't you try out for the football team last year?

Sam Witwicky: No, that wasn't like a real tryout. I was researching a book I was writing.

Trent: What's it about? Sucking in sports?

Sam Witwicky: No, it's about the link between brain damage and football. It's a good book. Your friends would love it. It's got mazes in it, coloring areas, pop-up pictures. It's a lot of fun.

Sam Witwicky: It's a robot. But, like a different...you know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese. Yeah, it's definitely Japanese.

Sam Witwicky: So, listen. I was wondering if I could ride you home. I mean, uh... give you a ride home.

Starscream: I live to serve you, Lord Megatron.

Megatron: Where is the cube?

Starscream: The humans have taken it.

Megatron: You've failed me yet again, Starscream.

Mikaela Banes: This car's a pretty good driver.

Sam Witwicky: Why don't you sit in that seat?

Mikaela Banes: I'm not gonna sit in that seat, he's driving!

Sam Witwicky: Maybe you should sit in my lap.

Mikaela Banes: Why?

Sam Witwicky: Uh...I have the only seatbelt. Safety first.